One For The Birds

Jan 01, 2003, 12:00:00 AM

By Dick Larson

MAY 20 (morning)--The 24-year-old bonehead accused of throwing a cell phone that hit Texas right fielder Carl Everett in the back of the head during a game faces a charge of assault with a deadly weapon.

Juan-Carlos Covarrubias-Serrano, of Palo Alto, California, was arrested during the Rangers 12-2 loss to the Oakland Athletics April 19 after fans pointed him out to authorities, and after Everett alerted stadium security.

The phone was thrown from the second deck of the Coliseum. While this incident is insufficient to ban cell phones as deadly weapons at baseball or football stadiums, there are some places where the devices should be banned ? churches, restaurants and funeral homes, for starters.

Bathrooms too.

I was next to a guy once who chatted on a cell phone while standing in front of a urinal. Good thing he had nothing to say to me at the time. And a nurse friend told me about a patient who sat naked on an exam table while talking business.

Which brings me to the subject of pigeons.

A newspaper account tells of the growing mystery of homing pigeons that disappear during races, leaving their owners puzzled.

In one event between New Market, VA, and Allentown, PA, 1,500 birds out of 1,800 couldn?t find home. In another race, 700 out of 800 birds never ?re-cooped.?

The problem?

Cell phones.

Experts say the devices interfere with the bird?s navigation system, the electromagnetic field, and throw them off course. This is conjecture. But sometimes, cell phone users, such as Juan-Carlos Covarrubias-Serrano, deserve to be surrounded by a flock of confused, nervous pigeons.

Some birds, like Rodney Dangerfield, get no respect.

For example, we eat chickens before they?re born and after they die. In good times, we eat pigeons. But we call them squab, and serve them under glass.

During the Great Depression, I?m told, it was not uncommon to read of park-bench ladies who fed pigeons with one hand, only to smack them with a sock full of sand to get a free meal.

But pigeons should get respect.

Take for example Cher Ami, a brave bird who delivered messages during critical times to Gen. Pershing during the World War I. A communication one stormy day from the Lost Battalion confirmed the group was indeed found.

Another time, as Cher Ami saluted with his wing and took off, a German sniper fired, hitting the courier in the left leg, where the message was attached. Not missing a flutter, Cher Ami folded the leg to his chest and continued 37 miles to Pershing?s tent.

For his bravery, Gen. Pershing awarded Cher Ami the Distinguished Flying Cross. Today, the bird?s stuffed body stands mounted in the National Museum in Washington, DC. Later, the movie ?The Pigeon That Took Rome? featured Charlton Heston as a World War II soldier who used pigeons to communicate with the Allied Forces.

Meanwhile, here?s a thought for Juan-Carlos Covarrubias-Serrano and for the nutball who jumped out of the stands during the White Sox?s game with the Kansas City Royals and attacked umpire Laz Diaz.

The next time you want to ?communicate? your displeasure with a player or anyone else, it might be wise to purchase some paper, a pencil and a pigeon.

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The opinions offered in this column do not necessarily reflect those of the Kansas City Chiefs.